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Satire News for people who should know better.'s Journal
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Date:2005-03-19 00:40
Subject:Today in news


The president vows to devote his second term to "ending tyranny in our world".

Does this mean he's resigning? Sweet. To be fair about the slashing of the budget to help Ukraine, the president doesn't have any more money to spend. He hasn't for the last 2-3 years. What about the word "deficit" confuses people? Huh. The way they tote the word "democracy", they make it sound like a source of aid, rather than jargon for "we're calling the shots now, biotch". I'm just getting sick of the word being thrown around. Democracy is a form of government (not ours), not a magical source of unlimited freedom. Ah, the "F" word. There's another one I've grown to loath.



Geez, whatever happened to sitting in the corner or detention? See, it's like I said, We're so weak as a society, now a little girl's outbursts aren't even safe from police! Ooh, she punched the assistant principal in the stomach. A punch from a 5 year old, I wonder how much that hurt. Or was she taking steroids? Sheesh, battery from a 5 year old. I wonder when we stopped calling it a "tantraum"?

"She's never going back to that school," Akins said. "They set my baby up."

Hee hee. That line is so damn funny.


Oh, for my bit of celebrity news, I'd like to announce that Heidi Klum is having a child with a seal. Oops, I mean the popstar Seal. My mistake. Though the first version is a bit more vivid.


Incase you're wondering (Why would you) why I'll never talk about Micheal Jackson, Martha Stweart, steroids in baseball, or that woman with the feeding tube, it's because I think those stories are entirely overhyped and only serve to distract the public from real concerns (actually it's more because I don't give a crap), like a little girl getting arrested. That's important. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch Celebrity Poker.

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Date:2002-06-30 01:10

Cheney spends hours as President dancing in Oval Office

Washington, DC – U.S. President George W. Bush briefly transferred the powers of the presidency to Vice President Dick Cheney today while he underwent a routine colonoscopy procedure.

The transfer, a wartime precaution by the President while he was sedated, only lasted just over two hours, before he transferred power back to himself.

White House staff report that Cheney spent the entire time as acting-President in his underwear, dancing in the Oval Office.

“I went into the Oval Office just to see what he was up to,” stated an anonymous intern, “and he was dancing in his underwear to that song from ‘Risky Business’… I left after I saw that, it was just too creepy.”

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Date:2002-06-10 10:34

Sensationalist News May Cause Cancer!!!

Rampant sensationalism in the news may be doing more than potentially destroying society as we know it: it may very well be causing deadly illness!

Research from the National Cancer Institute released June 9 show inconclusive proof that there may be a slight correlation between cancerous tumors and reading dramatic news. "Well, it's the oddest thing. Could mean nothing." says Dr. Willem, a research scientist with the institute for thirty years. But intern Bobby Harriss disagrees. "Man, this is scary stuff. Really scary stuff." Newspapers are read by people across the country-- millions of people at risk to cancer this very moment, ignorant of the peril they are in.

Government officials with the Health Department have been contacted to no avail-- the federal governemnt remains behind an unsettling veil of silence.

Says News correspondant Geraldo Rivera, "This is horrible news; immediate action needs to be taken. What is our federal giverntment doing about this? There are people dying out there and I'm supposed to believe this administration cares nothing?? Well, I can tell you this: Geralda Rivera won't rest until he brings every shred of information to light and warn as many people as possible about this deadly plague. The sensationalism must be stopped."

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Date:2002-06-09 21:44
Subject:Company moves to delete September 11th from the 2003 Calendar.

After the events of Sept. 11th, America's united trauma was so painful, the wound so raw, Production companies felt it necessary to remove all vestiges of the World Trade Center from their films and push back all releases involving terrorist actions or potentially unsettling images.

The MayDay Calendar company has decided to lead to the charge and take their sensitivity one step forward, by erasing Sept. 11th from the Calendar altogether.

Chairman Billy Bonton isn't ashamed of his decision. "Ya see, it's just too damned early. Lot of sensitive people out there, lot of people with family what lost their lives, see. As a right honorable American, I can't abide the thought of rubbing a raw wound. Not me. Not my All American company, no sir."

The Company was started in Huntsville Alabama in 1972 by Bonton and his wife Martha; Bonton, a veteran of the Korean war, was distraught over the September 11th attacks. "I was distraught over those attacks. Distraught."

Bonton and his company hope that their decision will lead to a movement in the Time-keeping industry, leading to more sympathetic forthcoming Calendars.

"If I saved but a single momma from sheddin' tears over that date which shall live in infamy? I'll be a happy and Satisfied American. If you think differently, you're just helping the Terrorists."

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