Spermicide Weekly (mockument) wrote in newsweak,
Spermicide Weekly
mockument
newsweak

FLASH!!!

Sensationalist News May Cause Cancer!!!

Rampant sensationalism in the news may be doing more than potentially destroying society as we know it: it may very well be causing deadly illness!

Research from the National Cancer Institute released June 9 show inconclusive proof that there may be a slight correlation between cancerous tumors and reading dramatic news. "Well, it's the oddest thing. Could mean nothing." says Dr. Willem, a research scientist with the institute for thirty years. But intern Bobby Harriss disagrees. "Man, this is scary stuff. Really scary stuff." Newspapers are read by people across the country-- millions of people at risk to cancer this very moment, ignorant of the peril they are in.

Government officials with the Health Department have been contacted to no avail-- the federal governemnt remains behind an unsettling veil of silence.

Says News correspondant Geraldo Rivera, "This is horrible news; immediate action needs to be taken. What is our federal giverntment doing about this? There are people dying out there and I'm supposed to believe this administration cares nothing?? Well, I can tell you this: Geralda Rivera won't rest until he brings every shred of information to light and warn as many people as possible about this deadly plague. The sensationalism must be stopped."
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