Spermicide Weekly (mockument) wrote in newsweak,
Spermicide Weekly


Sensationalist News May Cause Cancer!!!

Rampant sensationalism in the news may be doing more than potentially destroying society as we know it: it may very well be causing deadly illness!

Research from the National Cancer Institute released June 9 show inconclusive proof that there may be a slight correlation between cancerous tumors and reading dramatic news. "Well, it's the oddest thing. Could mean nothing." says Dr. Willem, a research scientist with the institute for thirty years. But intern Bobby Harriss disagrees. "Man, this is scary stuff. Really scary stuff." Newspapers are read by people across the country-- millions of people at risk to cancer this very moment, ignorant of the peril they are in.

Government officials with the Health Department have been contacted to no avail-- the federal governemnt remains behind an unsettling veil of silence.

Says News correspondant Geraldo Rivera, "This is horrible news; immediate action needs to be taken. What is our federal giverntment doing about this? There are people dying out there and I'm supposed to believe this administration cares nothing?? Well, I can tell you this: Geralda Rivera won't rest until he brings every shred of information to light and warn as many people as possible about this deadly plague. The sensationalism must be stopped."
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